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[09 Aug 2013|05:03am]

it's 4am. i just woke up from a nightmare. the scariest version, waking up to an empty bed.

when i have a (steady)boyfriend, and i wake up to an empty bed, it drives me crazy. i think it's a ridiculous attachment to particular lovers, or i guess a hyperidealistic expectation that gets trampled on or spat into. i don't know! i want it to stop!

the first time this happened to me i cried in the morning. now i think i'll have to deal with it by writing it down.

write down your fears of impermanence.

soothe your fucking heart. wash it down. goddamnfuckingheart.

step 1,
relax.

step 2,
think of everything you're grateful for.

step 3,
light a cigarette.

everything will be alright.

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drunk [22 Jan 2013|01:33am]

hands arre battered but i feel like a champion

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dirty glasses (voyeurs of impermanence) [26 Dec 2012|12:56am]

your glasses are dirty
from being
lazy

dirty prisms
chromatic surface surfers

a window forms

when you tilt your head on a 45 degree angle

and i can see the rest of the room
resting on the refraction

dirty microcosms
swimming on the planes parallel to your eyes
hungry flat planets
grazing on the glass

perpetually dividing


a glorious symbiotic orchestra
as if they were the last hope for life on earth

dirty prisms
delusioned by messianic grandeur
they thought they were setting LIGHT free
LIGHT's fingers pierced in between the hairs of your soft lashes

of your eyes

your beautiful soulless eyes

they pierce me every time

the dirt on your glasses
is impermanence magnified

a distraction
to the story you were telling.

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emotional decontamination [16 Dec 2012|04:31am]
so much hatred. so much pretension. so much noise. BUSHWICK, you're so fake fancy i want to kill myself sometimes. your stupid high rent is like spitting acid on our eyes. gentrification is the ruiner of lives.

brain, just shut up for a minute.

there are times when i just want to shut some people out for being cold and mean. WHY? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? i LOATHE people who feel like they have some sense of privilege. fucking spoiled brats EVERYWHERE.

going through phases. frustrations. mostly emotional frustrations.

i miss my friends. they are the safest place on earth. they know me and love me and are proud of me.

i want to be a machine so badly. thinking about suicide so many times. hurting is a part of life and one needs to stop analyzing things all the time to not go crazy. i want to stop feeling so much for this fucked up world. people like me who care too much/have so much love/obscenely polite get devoured alive, scrutinized and sent to the fire.

how can you not feel sad about war and suffering?

FUCK YOU WORLD.

i sound like a fucking teenager.

some days are good, some days are bad. i am holding to art and music for dear life. art and music are saving my life right now. and adeline. THANK YOU craigslist for giving her to me. she's like a package deal where all of my friends have successfully fit into her tiny body.



there's something wrong with my heart.
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reasons to keep living :) [02 Dec 2012|04:02am]
so many things.

so many changes. and they are all good.

it feels like an endorphin explosion, words aren't enough.

1. fell in love (!) with a man-boy-wild-cat i can actually respect. americans. online dating, man, ffff.
FOR SURE he's bound to break my heart. i know it. but. what do i have to lose? haven't been in love with someone i'm so fascinated with. someone i can hang out with - someone who sees through society like i do. doesn't take shit from anyone. HE WATCHES CARTOONS, WTF?!? someone who can endure intense music that's important to me. someone who can play all the instruments i can play. electronics expert. jodorowsky lover. good taste!!!!! good in bed!!!! wtf.
ugh. i can go on and on.
haven't felt this way since...2004. and it seems to be reciprocated in small doses. it's been verbally confirmed but fears and uncertainty linger here and there but they are distracted by productivity and new york living.

squinting about this still. have this paranoid feeling he will eventually get bored of me. (he probably already is) trusting he is mature than most about that part. i am throwing this fear in the air!

(more about that in future entry)

2. living in a ginormous loft that houses my art studio, with a killer view of the city, with roommates who work in b&h!
3. have my own music studio, own drum kit (and soon, a bass guitar and a bass amp)
4. started a band i really LOVE with my best friend in new york city whom i adore and respect
5. about to start a life-changing "company" that will make my family's life better
6. living in a neighborhood where all my friends are at
7. started biking to and from work
8. started cooking a lot, learning a lot of new recipes that i thought were hard to make.

happy. it's all coming together. :)
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[14 Jun 2012|04:22pm]

zoetropes, phenakistoscopes and stroboscopes.

where have you been all my life?

how can i take william kentridge's idea of anamorphic zoetropes further? zoetropes in the surgery room? in my stomach?

under the sea? in the sky? in my nose?

im not sure where i am going with this.

but the spark is here and i am igniting it. :)

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[07 Dec 2011|12:18am]

spam is the new threshold as far as measuring apparatusesare concerned. they're always there when you don't need them. unnecessary horror vacui soldiers. solidifiers. eh?

almost finished a bottle of wine. by myself. indulgence is an effect of stress. i am my own psychologist. i havent even passed out yet and im looking forward to reading this tomorrow morning.

my co-worker is moving on to greener pastures. i then realize how time finds ways of creeping up on you. a few minutes ago i was in mich's house sketching, talking about the opportunity of living here.

and now i'm here.

seems not so long ago.

on my bed i try to not accept that i am a natural loner. that's just how i am.

i have mastered the skill of being alone.

:)

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ninja rap [30 Nov 2011|01:42am]

nothingness in between
as it has always been
fireworks in plasticenes
dinosaur plums plummeted from tractors racing across the atmosphere
mindspace and geospatial maps appear
out of nowhere but really
it's somewhere
in between
like jelly peanut butter and ice cream
musketeers and deers and spears
trickle down in disarray
the constitution withheld my dreams
sun city girls kept me in seams

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[01 Nov 2011|01:44am]

solitude.
sigh.

oh to consolidate your thoughts. hoping it is easier to be.

had an epiphany while washing the dishes tonight. about an abstract automaton. a half-kaleidoscope. scale patterns and animal parts. halloween should be crazier than this.
steampunk is so passe. i want to make a kaleidoscope house. in the desert. wrapped in shimmering fish scales. choreographed in tesseract motion. rays coming out of visceral but mehanical devices.

another world that doesn't require physicality.

where everything is pure and there is nothing but ether.

ether. i like the sound of that. when we learn to teleport, our molecules will disperse like glittery fractals.

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[17 Oct 2011|07:55pm]

hey kylosaurus,

i thought about you today. listening to classical now and remembering our small talk in the kitchen about stravinsky. you said you would take me to watch the orchestra in lincoln center with your student discount. well? :)

are you still inlove with jen? i tried to tell her man, but it seems she had no idea all along. i remember the poem you wrote about her. you made the river fly (somehow)! wheeeee! no need for grapes of insanity!

kyle,you were the ONLY friend that adeline liked. hahaha! That means a looooot!!!! she is so hard to please. hahaha! she is my gauge for judging people's character. you got 5 stars, man!
why did you have to go, dude? we had a mission to wake the world up from institutionalized brainwashing! you were so excited about it, your hands were flipping in the air like Zizek. tsk. you were my ideal man, goddammit! hmph. integrity + intelligence + meekness = fucking trifecta.

i just saw you smiling at me, wearing those glasses with the thin silver frame. you looked really cute in those. eeee van der beek!!!

miss you, dude. fraggle rock misses you.

fun rebate!
:)


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escheresque musical chairs [17 Oct 2011|02:01pm]

adderall last night. saya! it's like e but you're totally on top of everything. FOCUS is intoxication. counter cultural paradox.

a bloody synonym-race.

e sans the gritting and the dehydration.

e sans the i-must-touch-warm-skin-urge.

getting to the middle of the end of mr. y.
when you get to the end you're back in the middle.

feel like in a gamr of musical chairs but by escher!

meh.

voting pattern time! back to work!

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red bull in a baby bottle [11 Oct 2011|01:31pm]

three hours of sleep. an eager spirit keeps one going.
i close my eyes and i see a man with spectacles on the right with a beard mumbling. he is standing in 3d space of grass and shuttlecocks.

"to what do i owe this pleasure?", my mind says to this man.

i "mind-scrape" the cocks and reveal a belly button. the man is standing on someone else's stomach!

baby steps, i say.

we are all in transit. this data right here, these zeroes and ones are all bound for disintegration.

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a giddy subway interstitial [10 Oct 2011|06:44pm]

first housewarming party was a success! 50+ people came, friends artists musicians...our backyard is a hit!:)

i maybe ridiculously broke but am having the time of my life. if this is the price i pay, i am tipping loads! overworked underpaid, two jobs within two jobs equals a hardcore workforce-permutation.

quantum salads and dimensional dressings.

memory turrets - stat!

one night going home from anxieteam show, ellen started chanting
"lots of hot girlfriends, got no hot guy friends..." and it's stuck in my head somehow. ridick.

words. hunger.
when a war is raging in your head, you snicker about a
rat shit shower.
red bull on a baby bottle, your mind flies as your body retires.
in our basement we're walking on the sky. gold foundations, dinosaurs protecting us from flesh-devouring flies.
protecting us from the night.

protecting us.

hunger power vomitting flowers

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[07 Oct 2011|01:38pm]

saw portishead the other day.
man.

i am still in love with this city.:) everyone is constantly complaining - just shut up already and count your fucking blessings.

they have NO idea how hard it is for non-american folk to come here. so fuck that, don't care if there are rats the size of cats or if this zipcode is a melting pot of consumerism.

i am fucking staying here. i do not want to go back. this is my new home. :)

so back to portishead. was pretty mellow and intense at the same time. they played an acoustic version of 'wandering star' and fully-charged version of, of course - the iconic glory box! *flashback levis commercial*

portishead. the 90's. grunge, triphop and dismal wear.
audiogalaxy. soulseek. we were peer to peering long before torrents became popular. thanks to my indiepop mentors.
i remember though, before becoming friends with them...being sick of the radio, and feeling frustrated that there wasn't anything else. i remember LA 105.9 - this radio station that played heavy metal, and NU 107.5. i would huddle with my co-guitar playing friends in high school looking at "song hits" and learning augmented chords in the hallway. with matching socks and long skirts.

cut to new york 2011.
now im trying to figure out where i am with my goals. in those 2 years, i've learned so
much that i would never have learned anywhere else - interactive technology, inflatable sculpture, processing, maxmsp...or seen bands i would only DREAM of seeing - sonic youth, spectrum, chapterhouse, spiritualized !!!!, the flaming lips, iggy pop, john zorn, cibo matto, clinic, the wake!!! godspeed you black emperor, explosions in the sky, the breeders...i also bumped into LOU REED at the Stone, (as in we had like a 3-second moment) and casually walked past Thurston Moore at ATP, saw Johanna Fateman of le tigre...

i am barely making savings, but the amount (in pesos) is never what i would've saved back home.

and now i live with 2 really cool artists who have same taste...and same sincere positive vibes. we have a garden!

oozing with happiness.

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robots vs. humans [04 Oct 2011|05:36pm]

was great being a human for three months.

the feel of warm skin. kisses on your back. dancing to music in the kitchen. pinning you down until you surrender. falling asleep while you held hands. on conversations of dinosaurs and asteroids. SCRABBLE!!! american and filipino politics. feminism. the absurdity of religion.

an actual intellectual AND existential connection.

wow. in a relationship.

unheard of.

the illusion of... love. love? what does that even mean?
...

humans are treacherous. why can't they be defined in 0's and 1's? why do they like complicating symbiosis with "feeeeelings"?

*muffled radio* *cue in rose
melberg appearing through a slit in my makeshift time-continuum.
she sings me a lullabye, not for my physical UN-pawn-self, but for that part of me that turned human, and is now withering again*

oh jason. cheers to your happiness.:)

hazel eyes, look away don't watch me cry
i will miss you less and less as time goes by
when memory is all that's left of this day
i'll wind it up and let it spin away

*sigh*

winter is upon us. i gaze outside the excuse of an opening that is called my office window. bricks. a frozen two-dimensional tetris game. beyond is a gray filter separating real and imaginary. i am pondering about what to be in halloween after realizing that a costume manifesting anamorphosis is too ambitious for my own sake.

even in relationships, i am too ambitious for my own sake.

story of my life.

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[03 Oct 2011|01:33pm]

the sky seems to lean lower today. a little closer and you can participate in the precipitation. motherfucking water cycle. won't you please rain down on me and get it over with.

it's not everyday someone touches your life and actually changes you. these partners, no matter how intermittently ridiculous, stay with you forever.

like the motherfucking water cycle. he changes states, but you know he'll always be there.

story of my life.

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[14 Sep 2011|10:45am]

last Saturday, at brunch in the back garden of a new coffeeshop in Bushwick, a white dove came flying straight to my plate. defensively, Jason tried to shoo it away. it wouldn't budge. it stayed perched on my tote bag (in another chair). as we fed it breadcrumbs we realized it had a number on its right leg and a part of its neck was chomped off. :( the hipster kids in the next table played with her for a little, took pictures and then took her home.

"we're still in the movie," I told him.

then we walked in Bushwick a little more, exploring...saw a castle that was a police station...then watched Venture Brothers...fell asleep...

He fell asleep on my chest. I watched him fall asleep, then I fell asleep, too...

I've fallen...
asleep :)

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New routines [30 Aug 2011|12:13pm]

I got so used to sleeping alone.

I would :
wake up, remember where I am, confirm if this is the real world, look out the window to see the tree. Snooze.

And this went on and on for more than 5 years.

It was grand. I really enjoyed being by myself in a new country. I have started over. It is a success.

Now I wake up and see someone beside me all the time.

It's fucking amazing. :)

So.
I would wake up, remember where I am, confirm if this is the real world, look out the window to see the tree.
+
Look beside me. Find someone sleeping. Cue in music. Confirm identity of person sleeping. Confirm that that person is who you want him/it to be. Watch it sleep. Melt heart. Play with soft hair. Smell hair. Gush at disbelief. Think twice if you should wake it up. Smile at how the sun kisses its face. Memorize face with fingers. Feel rough texture of beard. Kiss dimple on chin. Cuddle with handsome creature.

Creature wakes up and reaches its long arm and takes you in. Like a Venus fly trap. Breathe in its breath. Pause. Melt on bed.

Snooze.

Repeat.

Repeat forever. <3

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come on irene [28 Aug 2011|01:05am]
tomorrow a hurricane will be hitting new york. the first one since 1985.

before we left for Maryland, i teared up knowing the lives of the people i care for are at risk. my new family. a city pregnant with dreams and ambitions - is now a potential Atlantis.

sure you would still be here. but you would be underwater.

there's probably a reason why i had this vision of cherries wearing snorkels. they were a choir. looking at me. i was looking at them from a high angle. a non-fruit spectator. they were waiting for me to signal something.

who knows if cherries need to breathe underwater?

*need i reiterate that absurdity and happiness always go together. albert camus is so right!*

i feel like we spend our entire lives working our asses off for security and permanence.
only to find, in the end, that they are all in vain -

we are merely a speck of dust. mother nature is a mountain. good luck with that.

words come to mind.

survival. permanence. vanity. immortality.

what legacy would you leave in a world that is underwater?
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[11 Aug 2011|11:29am]

I feel like LJ is vintage anonymity. It has watched me grow through the years. 8 years?

I love that everything "here" still feels intimate. I can say anything, for no one really knows who you are. Sometimes it's great to be floating in space and flashing lightning at fundamentalists anonymously.

Consequentialism. Or a lack thereof.

I've been somewhat stressed out recently, from being nomadic. I do enjoy it, but there are times when you would want to reconsolidate... Especially when you have so many things going on.

I probably just need a cigarette. Haven't smoked in 3 days.

LJ IS my cigarette. :)

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