|
[30 Nov 2009|02:01am] |
when i went home from our supposedly tech rehearsal today, i found my roommates hanging out in our small eat-in kitchen. they were talking about jay, my roommate's boyfriend who had slowly died in the hospital in her care. we were all trying to make everything light and within small-talk levels, trying to ride on the huge elephant in the room. they were all saying how he was such a cool guy, and how he was a man's man - unapologetic, embraced mass culture and didn't give a SH*, smoked and drank when he wanted to, etc etc. i think they are going to a buddhist temple to meditate on his life this week. they had cremated him.
i had just watched "following" by christopher nolan. and i quote "you take something away from someone, and you make them realize what they had."
and here i am, suppressing hunger, listening to lastfm, pondering how shitty my ideas are compared to these masters i've been watching on art:21, thinking about how absurd this whole cycle is since we are all gonna die in the end anyway.
i mean, however profound your discovery, however magnanimous your spirituality, however famous you become or however incredibly amazing an athlete you are - we're all gonna end up the same way. even if you make the most of it. even if you leave this superhuman historically important legacy - what good will it do if you'll cease to exist anyway?
i have to stop before i get too schopenhaueristic.
i'm so glad i met adeline. while we were tranced by this group called Millions at the noise festival, she was constantly telling me about how glad she is to have met me, and that she will never let me go as a friend. even if we just met twice!!!
---
and it just hit me - how much i miss all of my friends, especially the tampons, who were really behind me when i needed lovin'. mich and mimi. then charles and grace, my feel-good buddies, oh how i miss them. malihim drama theater, alan and buzz nite...iloveyou folk...goldie's laid-back neighbors...louie (he was a good friend,too, for the earlier parts)...eric sleepyheads(if he didn't backstab that is)...gary pastrami...cocoy the family-man underdog editor...the fabulous romeo lee...poi...allen the bad-boy magnet...leo, quincy, roy, karla...his talented bro, AG...my UP prof's...
...it warms my heart to know i had a lot of friends. cool and seriously talented friends. yeah. focusing on the positive rules. this life-death thing - atleast when i die, and they read this journal, they'll know i thought of them all time, right? even if at some point, where they thought i was this evil psycho, they'll be assured i have this good, human part of me somewhere inside the fuzziness.
----
and we're back!
we went to this noise festival in bushwick, where minute incidental gentrification takes place, and witnessed some familiar noise groups like grasshopper + tele(something) who played with a 2-piece horn section, slash your wrist - a male and female duo who bastardized ballads, and other costume crazy noise-noise groups. there was this dude, the one who organized the event i think, he invited us to hang out at his place after the gig. but our friend, claudio was hungry, so we looked for a place to eat instead. they're trying to form a group called prout prout tralala, and are having a gig on friday in dumbo.
i'm still looking for heavier noise gigs i can really mosh with. anyway - so that was my first thanksgiving here. was pretty good, i have to say!
back to work again - officeland!!!
|
|
| figuring myself out |
[28 Nov 2009|02:25am] |
met with the dp the other week. turns out we won't be using green screen anymore (thank god), so i'll just be colorizing and particlizing the whole film. not my idea of fun, but hey, a job's a job! :P
my roommates boyfriend died the other day. yes, died. apparently he was suffering from a liver problem diagnosed this year. he was hospitalized a couple of weeks ago, weeks before i moved in the apartment. he died in my roommate's arms, in the hospital. i never met jay, but from what i hear from karen (my roommate), they've been through a lot, had so much fun being together, and working together at the theater. he was a good friend, and good employee. my other roommate, jose, was really good friends with him, is also grieving. i can't really do anything to help since i've only known them for less than a month. futility. sucks. i got her a chocolate cake and lovingly squeezed her a glass of calamansi juice.
things like this, they make me think about my own past relationships. i mean, if i had died, would they be telling good things about me? when they think about me, will they smile, or clench their fists in anger, or puke in disgust?
and this is why i have abandoned the thought of ever having one altogether. (for now. hehe.)
i only now realize why my mom always told me to wait for college to have a boyfriend. i really wasn't ready at all! my curiosity (and probably repressed hormones) fucked everything up. they all wanted to marry me, (yeah what a fucking surprise) and i just drove them crazy with my stupid identity issues. i had all the love to give but always left nothing for myself. i took catholic martyrdom quite seriously, thinking it was the right way. but, no...ayn rand, i had to meet you late in life!
i'm not exactly in a vow of celibacy (unless you count.... >:)) just need to get back in gear,that's all... get back on the bike, all the way back before they all discouraged me into realizing my full potential as a human being to wander off in their shadow. to accept full responsibility of all my actions, accept fault and dwell on the positive.
i'm just happy with being independent. being able to have my own schedule, realizing my own standards, realizing my own individuality and all that dramatic crap.
anyway.
***drooling on droog***
went to soho today for some intense office wear shopping. i swear urban outfitters is the best store in the world. then, as i was getting lost, finding my way to the subway, i stumbled upon droog, this european conceptual design/art-furniture store. it was SO fucking inspiring.
i love how they made their furniture totally interactive with the user. like the table with the marbles where the plates laterally move with the marbles if you wanna pass it to someone else, and the bookshelf that formed a pixel-like structure as you push the book inward. furniture design, how i desire you. DESIRE.
netflixland - watched "tokyo" by michel gondry...what's up with my favorite directors and musicians seemingly knowing what i've been through in my life? i love how the three films tackled different parts of humanity. the themes are so universal and yet so walk-of-life-specific.
|
|
|
[22 Nov 2009|03:49am] |
i'm working on a visual effects segment for this indian director dude who is slightly intellectual. his plot is kind of ayn randish which is the ONLY reason i'm working for him. his ideas are a little cheesy (don't know if it's the bollywood thing) he's also the lead actor. anyway. this is a very very ROUGH work in progress - my mood momentum got strangled because the tea lounge was already closing. anyway, since it is low-budget i plan to just play around with particles so i could master particle illusion with ae. i can't work on 3d because my sister got the wrong cd. using processing might be too advanced for me. but that's the plan. coding for design talaga the best.
i wonder if you can have sex in codes.
x=body fluids
y=booze
z=backseat of a car
explosion = (x+y)/z
</penetrate>
@_@
having a 9-6 works i think for me, because this way, i really thirst and hunger for creativity / productivity. i get to pay the bills, save up for my equipment without being too stressed out.
going home, i was taking my time, when i was in front of my apartment, i realized i had left my keys in the cafe. i was 15 minutes til closing, and they said they would wait for me. so i tried to get on the train, but it was taking too long. SO, I RAN. then, this suv stopped in front of me, 2 girls, asking if i needed help. they thought i was being chased or that i was lost. hahaha. they took me back to the bar, and back home. IT WAS DEFINITELY MY NIGHT TONIGHT. SO SURREAL. they were two colombian sisters - cynthia and roseangela. I'M SO GLAD I LIVE IN PARK SLOPE!!! i can't imagine having this experience in other borroughs. so relieved i live in a residential and safe neighborhood.
grabe. ny adventures. omg speaking of.
this french girl, i already met her! adeline! turns out she really likes me,too, and we both looooove the same music and on the same plane about non-theory and obscure noise. we both love shoegaze. fuck is this for fucking real? anyway, she's so cute (actually she's hot) and also new to the city. i responded to her ad in craigslist, she was looking for a drummer who also liked lightning bolt, daniel johnston and other shoegaze stuff...tangina. panalo. natuwa daw siya nung nalaman niya na nakikinig din ako ng mga noise-noise. medyo party girl nga lang, but i think she's exactly what i need right now. a kindred spirit. :) anyway, we went underground gig hoppping in williamsburg (those private loft parties) and danced silly dances, drank, smoked and talked about films and music. small-talked with some really drunk hipsters, moshed to noise gigs.
grabe. saya lang.
i swear, everything is falling into place. she'll teach me french, and i'll help her with english. i thought that part of me had already died. now, i realize, i've just been born again! nice.
apparently, two of us responded to her ad, this other guy drummer, claudio - we all critiqued and danced the night away. he also offered his music studio for december, if he's not using it, i think he's going away for a while. TANGINA, drum set hello?!?!?! sabi nya wag na daw ako bumili ng electric kit, dun na lang daw ako sa studio nya. tangina!!!! blessings galore.
she's also inviting me to barcelona for a music festival in may. i've been hearing so much about barcelona, they also have a noise scene there, she says, she was able to watch mbv there...tangina mbv, please play again here...
on dec 18, we'll watch the real thurston moore hahaha (we met a look-a-like yesterday)but he had a keanu reeves accent. it will be my birthday celebration. ho ho ho
what's up new york, you are my home. :) i really feel at home here. now more than ever. *sigh*
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, WORLD.
ok tulog na, tech rehearsal tomorrow!!!
|
|
|
[22 Nov 2009|03:14am] |
went to ciudad's gig with plus minus and versus. it was so dreamy. quark introduced me to one of the guitarists, and i thought he spoke filipino, so i said, "serrr" in my not so sober mode. then he looked at me, perplexed. i'm so dumb sometimes. hahaha. sorry quark. *peace* atleast i didn't vomit a la john pratt's birthday party. hay, memories. hahaha lupit nung snowblind putangina...
anyway, the gig was fun, i think the audience was mostly filipino. i got really drunk (bagong sweldo hahaha) so i indulged myself...then i went with quark to one of his friends' condo near the bar to get mich's ultimate gift in the world, it was a little hazy, the memory, i mean, because it was raining and my brain was floating on guinness - which is by far the best beer in the world. (sorry, pale pilsen, i love you, still). it was a posh condo unit with high ceilings (duh williamsburg), i could only remember the carpet that was shaggy and reminded me of some of my past furry pets.
thank you, quark for bringing me mich's pasalubong, thank you so much. :)
thanks mich, i love youuu so much, i really love your gift!!!
***
i love reading and opening letters. it feels more human than e-mails because it's tangible, i can smell it, touch it and feel it.
send me letters, my friends.
***
i've been researching places to go here, ang dami talaga pwede gawin...there's this improv theater that i wanna go to called new york neo-futurists, some french bars like the bourgeois pig, la poisson rouge, the stone...some small pubs...some performance art venues...and a great many fucking jazz bars galore. damn i love jazz bars. as in real-deal jazz, not hotel-sosi jazz...where the musicians are as sloppy and alcoholic as they are good...as in improv kung improv...my roommaate and i had some buzzed up convos on jazz...gotta read up more on it i think. i'm running low on fresh tunes. @_@
then, upcoming gigs - i'm thinking if i should see pixies or sonic youth...explosions are still in europe. thinking of watching devendra barnhart...i've also discovered there are a couple of music venues in my neighborhood as well...some i yet have to see, especially the busy area in cobble hill and smith street. depends...i don't get around much because i get off at 6, which is closing time for most of les magazin. les magazan saint'uver pas tar.
i'm still on the hunt for the perfect coat and boots. i find it a little irksome that i can't find anything i like out here - even in h&M and urban outfitters...then there's budget constraint and committing to your priorities and financial goals....
random raandom raaandom
caffeine caffein caffei
***
me and my roommates always hang out when we catch up with each other in our small eat-in kitchen...they're a lot older than me (way older) but it's all good. sometimes when we're really buzzed and into the conversation, it gets a little searing and we just stop talking to have a break from the intensity of the topic. like the other day we talked about democracy and linguistics...then it would turn to cheap thrills...then what gets us off...anything goes...then we'd laugh and drink again. it's all good. :) i'm just scared that this other dude's hitting on me. i'm so paranoid. i think i'm getting scared of guys in general.
but then again.
i'm happy and content with what i have now. still squinting in the subway. i think i'm the only one smiling during rush hours. especially in the morning.
i wanna get a haircut. but what? i miss mimi's haircuts.
fuck i'm so excited i'm buying an external lcd monitor for my post prod home office hahaha wanep talagang sinulit yung rent hahaha
|
|
|
[17 Nov 2009|01:39am] |
here i am, in front of your 15-inch flat glory. my fingers personifying affection on every key as if making a melody with every type. savoring every last drop of scotch on my lips.
i'm half drunk and need to go to sleep badly. was late for work today. overslept. sometimes i disillusion myself that time is malleable.
i love that i can talk to my roommates about anything, and not be baffled by random searing stuff.
gotta catch up on french. sheesh. speaking of, i'm supposed to meet this french girl who is also into shoegaze and is looking for a drummer. could this be it? she seems so cool. i'm afraid i'll turn her off or something. whatever. the wheels will turn and i'll be working. shoot i wanna enroll myself in jazz drums badly. soon, my pretty.
i'm buying a monitor for my workstation! yey!!! i think it's a good deal. i better not forget to bring the adaptor to test it with tomorrow.
the landlord finally gave me the lightbox and i'm so fucking thrilled. it's crazy what people throw away here. so far the grandest thing i've seen them throw away is a photo fucking lab. what the hell. i hope they have this free shipping arrangement to third world countries that badly need equipment for school. i mean, if they can ship clothes, they should be able to ship more important stuff.
i'm just throwing things here. nosebleeding from all this english. it gets in your head.
being on social networking sites can also be suffocating, i realize. social claustrophobia. i'm such a pathetic loner.
union of church and state is soooo not happening. can't believe how many don't know what democracy really is. but what can i do. all i have is this 15 inch screen and my plans for the future. i can't help others if i can't help myself.
so.
i think my roommate is hitting on me and i fucking hate it because he's such a good friend. we like a lot of the same stuff and for once someone i live with actually gets me. he made me listen to this ballad and i can't help but laugh at how cheesy it's all becoming...can't i just make friends? whyyyyyyyyy does this keep happening????? i hope i'm overreacting, i really really do. please let him hook up with that other girl...pleeeeeeease...
laseng nako pala. scotch is the best. good night! tomorrow it's back to officeland.
i need a female scotch drinking friend who likes shoegaze. anyone? :)
|
|
| my first netflix movie, as a brooklynite :)))))) |
[09 Nov 2009|01:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sleepy |
] |
i've queued a lot of goodies - like jan svankmajer films, cronenberg, wim wenders and some unknown seemingly interesting ones.
need to catch up with french lessons. i wanna enroll in a formal class so badly. i was already doing a lot of progress when i took it in nj.
je vais bien desjeunes dumain. je achete dans le magazin ce soir.
need to sleep
|
|
| me and my dunelt |
[09 Nov 2009|12:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 excited |
] |
took my first bike ride in prospect park today. it wasn't that chilly, leaves everywhere, streetlamps lighting my way. it was a little unnerving though when you think about how many women get raped in the park, so you always have to be alert and have some sort of protective weapon with you. our side of the park is swarmed with families, and cops are always on patrol...so i feel kind of safe. they close the parks after 12am to prevent such things.
when i followed the bike trail, though, i almost fell on a long dark staircase thing. good thing the brakes work!
when i was heading back, my landlord was about to go biking - he was wearing leather boots with heels!!! he's so cute! hahaha love old people. there's something about how they've experienced so much in their lifetime, and yet they can still seem like children.
anyway.
my bike is so fucking nice. it is a bike from england, from my other roommate, jose,(he studied and grew up in england and spain, but originally from equatorial new guinea- intellectual buddhist slash graphic designer studying at SVA) which he gave to the roommate who used to live in my room. (i swear it's too perfect) I think it was his aunt's.
it's a black vintage dunelt, like this one,
but mine has a tail light, a black faux leather seat cap with white piping detail, a bronze basket (for park slope grocery shopping), and has red sticker reflectors in some parts. i want to own it, if they'll allow me. i feel like putting white rims on the wheels.
i'm completely superpsyched to go bike riding on the weekends, to explore the neighborhood - no, MY neighborhood. :)
earlier, when i was fixing my bike, my other roommate, karen, was shouting in short but sharp tones. i wanted to ask if she was alright, but then jose knocked on her door and she was just watching some game on tv. hahaha. they already warned me that she could get crazy sometimes - in a good crazy way.
*****
i went to bed bath and beyond, urban outfitters and trader joe's today. i saw something that i wanna give to mich badly...basta...then, did some canvassing action with designs and prices...next weekend i'll go to ikea...still looking for that perfect comforter...
did some organic food scoring at tj's...jose got a bunch of really nice fine dining bread from the restaurant he works in...i'm so glad my roommates are cool...not the hipster kind of cool...but the hospitable-unracist-respectful kind of cool...
i can't complain. :)
|
|
|
[04 Nov 2009|09:27pm] |
left my charger in nj, so this will be a quickie.
watching pbs, as usual. in a few days i'll be visiting ikea, trader joe's, target, crate and barrel for some domesticated scoring.
i saw an alarm clock on audio cubes where you have to shoot the target to turn the alarm off. cool! and some solar powered stuff as well. i'm trying to design a coat that can store solar energy. it is ambitious but i already have drafts. they already made a bag. what's a coat?!?
collab, collab, collab!
anyway, will post on the next.
...and headphones. i'm so turned on with these yummy headphones. wesc, eskuche, boosted, grado, audio-technica, denon...hay...if i had all the money in the world. i would collect headphones. will post great finds soon.
urban outfitters has a lot of cheap thrills. useless, but a thrill nonetheless. i feel that i belong here more because of these things. wish i could make a living just designing witty useless stuff.
i forgot about daylight savings the other day, went to work an hour early!!! HAHAHAHA. they're like, "who the hell is here at this hour?" the subway trip to work isn't that bad. the stop near work is minutes away, it's ok to wake up slightly late. but i like going to work early. i feel so...what's the word...responsible? hahaha
been repeating my financial goals over and over. i try not to fall into the consumerist trap (almost) everyone here has been hypnotized with. but then again, i'm just human. (and a woman at that) retail therapy is a fast endorphin fix.
agent provocateur is so expensive. :( i console myself with bromides like..."i will have the last laugh" and other practical shit like that.
i took a stroll the other night here in the block, found a cozy used bookstore that sold a lot of counterculture and gender bender stuff. sweet. now if only i had 420, this would be like...paradise. im scared to risk anything right now. i have to wait til my salary becomes regular come january 1. my dad's coming soon, i'm so happy.
41% battery. have to reserve for tomorrow's brainfart.
i got a group e-mail from him today. i wonder if he knows i'm still getting over him. not like it matters.
anyway. avoid! i will control myself from self-destruction!
good night, gibbard.(quickie pala ha)
|
|
| squint squint |
[02 Nov 2009|11:05pm] |
just moved into my first home in nyc. i still can't believe i'm really living here. i still squint and laugh randomly when i walk along 3rd ave to work, ride the subways and walk to my apartment in windsor terrace.
i'm so intensely relieved with this new environment. where nothing, absolutely NOTHING reminds me of bad vibes and trauma. i live right beside the park(prospect, not central), and it is amaaaazing. my walk home is always cinematic. and of course, safe. soon, i'll be jogging and cycling when i've moved all my stuff.. chrissy gave me a yoga mat and some other stuff i could use. my drawing table is ready for action. in the kitchen, i saw a lightbox. i hope no one's using it. arbor!!! hahaha
we take turns in recycling. when i prepared the paper part, i saw rolling paper!!! where in the world!!!! 420! :)
i can't believe i have my own room again. after all that ordeal with the family related misunderstanding. feels good not to feel anxious all the time trying not to offend anyone.
my landlord is a chatty transexual. but he's good and helpful and was married to a filipina. i have 4 roommates - kyle, the brooklyn college adjunct lecturer, jose, security for a theater, karen, also working in theater i think. on the third floor there's kenny, the folk singer slacker and alex. (don't know what he does.)it's all laid back and have our own worlds. i have a small tv that mooches cable from the landlord. pbs is such a frikin treat. art:21 is like, normal. watched the systems episode...so good...
feels so fucking good to LIVE again. my own rules. my own space. my own plans. my own financial goals. i'll have to live low key if i want to save up for that parkslope brownstone townhouse. baby steps. masyado kasing excited. ambisyosa amputah. hahaha.
*"at last" song keeps echoing*
still not done moving though. been going back and forth nj-ny to bring all my stuff. i miss my books. been reading a whole lot lately. it's cheaper and at the same time more fun to entertain yourself with your own imagination.
to the bath cave! (to take a bath!)
|
|
|
[24 Oct 2009|01:08pm] |
i look back when I was at home, as in home- phil-am, craigslisting in new york fantasizing about living here...and now, in some parallel dimension, i am ACTUALLY doing it. it feels so fucking good. being in control of your life, for once. no one to tell you you're doing it wrong, or that you don't know what you're doing. it feels sooooooooooo good.
independence is so sweet. there are times when i happily accept that I'll be living alone for the rest of my life, and it would be ok. :) it's not so bad rekindling your relationship with yourself. feels so fulfilling. i've been wanting to do it ever since, til the boyfriends came and made me procrastinate the process. i feel that all of this starting over stuff was long overdue.
it's here, and i welcome it with open arms.
thank you, universe. thank you for this second chance. :) (woo drama)
so far, i've been researching crime rates and residential areas. thru craigslist, i found this spacious room in windsor terrace, south of park slope in brooklyn, right across prospect park. i'll share the bathroom and kitchen with 3 other people, 1 girl, 2 guys. the subway's 3 long blocks away, but i figured is a price to pay for having low rent (relatively for the area). it's a very safe residential area. the room has 3 huge windows that look outside, a decorative fireplace, a queen size bed, side tables, 2 closets. a ceiling fan. laundry... the landlord's accommodating and has lots of plans to make the apartment better. he has a lot of furniture upstairs, even a drawing table! he said he can give it to me if i wanted it. :) how sweet is that!
i'm so excited. almost everyone that asks me are always perplexed why i want to live in brooklyn. it's a really nice neighborhood. :)
|
|
|
[02 Oct 2009|07:38pm] |
today was ok.
am getting used to all this new researching and filing and brand new administrative lingo. NV's, voting patterns, candidatures are starting to become second nature. the entire handbook is pregnant with potential screenplays of world issues and resolutions: advancement of women, food crisis policies, trades, treaties - they all fit together like one big happy global family.
while we complain about our blisters from walking, or the crappy oily food on our table, these world organizations work trying to make the world a better place.
if all goes well, a drastic change in my life will take place. i'll have a new home, a room all to myself, a city as my friend. i hope nothing goes wrong. this is how my fairytale begins. for me atleast.
rose-colored glasses my ass, i want this really really badly.
i'm scared that everything will backfire and i'll go back to zero.
in this world, nothing is permanent. you should always have a plan b, c, d til you get to aa, bb, cc...:P
***
in the subway i met this girl from boston who was going the same way i was. she seemed middle eastern, but her accent was a locally-raised american. she told me about how cold it is in boston and how there are so many intellectuals there. hope i can get a chance to visit.
if i get this job, i'll be able to travel anywhere hassle-free. with special airport entrance a vip person gets.
i can only dream. in my head, i can have my own country, my own foreign policies, my own gravitational pull.
***
going back to nj tom. miss the kids so much. :)
|
|
|
[30 Sep 2009|12:47am] |
i just want to get this out of my system.
im so terrified of fucking up everyone has been working so hard for, to help me with things.
i feel like i'm always screwing up and i'll never get things right.
i don't know, i'm so pressured to be so many things at the same time. and the deadlines are frikin impossible. everything's uncertain and shady.lots of traveling. lots of paperwork.
roller fucking coaster.
inhale positivity! inhale dammit!
whew. am feeling better.
thanks anonymity.
|
|
|
[29 Sep 2009|07:31pm] |
i see the footage of ondoy on youtube and i'm very worried about my family. i hope they are all alright.
i also can't help worry about malabon. i hope they are all alright, too. :( i feel helpless being here.
after so many years of urban planning, it's really preposterous how the government can't flood-proof the city. it is rrrrridiculous. marami naman tayong matatalinong engineer. di ko maintindihan bat kailangan pa mamatay mga tao dahil lang sa ka-korapan nila, di magawa gawa ng maayos mga kanal. kailangan pa ma news sa buong mundo bago mag implement ng preventive measures. badtrip.
just had a conflict with relatives again. what do you know, it is happening all over again. please please give me the job in ny so i can be independent once again. pleeeeeeeeeeeease.
been busy doing lots of paperwork for it. i am in a time management rut.
it's too early to rejoice. if my petition comes through, i'll be able to live there, if not, i remain constrained.
beggars can't be choosers.
|
|
|
[28 Sep 2009|12:08am] |
i'm so worried about my relatives in the philippines. been watching the flood happening and i can't help feeling it's too much of an apocalyptic event.
i can't imagine losing a loved one. i don't think i will be able to take it.
the jehovah's witnesses believe that these things are part of a greater plan where God will wipe out all the non-believers and leave them meek ones to reap the new earth. they believe that the book of revelation shows step by step how he will do this.
i think life is too short to base your life on something no one has ever proven to be true.
anyway.
back to work again.
goodbye virtual shrink.
|
|
|
[27 Sep 2009|10:30pm] |
some of the worst things that can happen to you, is when people misinterpret your good intentions. it hurts when they think you are capable of doing uncivilized things when in fact you are merely venting out to not lose your temper because you're confined to an environment that isn't exactly second nature to you.
and it hurts more if these people matter to you. it hurts even more when you've grown to love them and yet they think of you otherwise. politics is a very tricky thing.
i find it extremely difficult to apologize all the time for being myself, for always explaining why you do things apart from convention. most especially if you value freedom of expression intensely. if you learned that your forefathers struggled a great deal to give you this kind of freedom.
most most especially when you know you've found loyal friends who will accept you, who have already embraced you for the geeky weirdo that you are, but, sadly, they are on the other side of the world.
nina simone couldn't have said it any better.
"oh lord, please don't let me be misunderstood."
i just want to let this go. i don't want to think like a victim all the time. i shouldn't. why do i have to be so paranoid. i'm blaming caffeine because it won't answer back.
i can't sleep when i know someone hates me.
i wish i wasn't so rebellious and cynical, always questioning everything. i wish i didn't have this drive to be good at what i do. frikin trauma. i wish i could manage my anger well so i didn't drive boyfriends away. i wish i had known sooner how to recognize and handle depression. we would probably still be together. he probably wouldn't have hated me so much enough to backstab me as if we were never friends.
i wish i was normal and peaceful. i wish i like wearing button down blouses, lived to make a family and couldn't care less about riot girl music.
sometimes i wish i was another person. just for the convenience of it.
***after a cup of hazelnut ice cream***
"holy smokes, batman!"
on the brighter productive side of life, i'm working for this east indian director on a short film about ambition and complacency. i love the theme that he used, it's so universal and i'm excited to work on it. technically he hired me as a visual effects artist, but invited me to be a creative consultant as well.
ok back to work!
"it's a new dawn, it's a new day, and i'm feeling good..."
-nina simone
|
|
|
[26 Sep 2009|11:06am] |
i fucking hate it when people treat me like i don't know what i'm doing.
i hate it. i hate it when they tell you what to do. and most especially when they think you're not capable of thinking for yourself.
god im so angry.
|
|
|
[26 Sep 2009|01:09am] |
can i snort coffee? hahaha
i badly want to intoxicate myself. i miss my real lifestyle. i miss beer. i miss not having to think about what conservative catholics will think about what i wear. i miss cigarettes and the smell of puke at 7am after going to a girly bar with softpillowkisses. i miss watching and dancing to ska and swing. i miss kissing and cuddling with my girlfriends. and checking them out in their hot underwear hahaha. i joke.
iisipin ko na lang sa utak ko para maging totoo. what the hell.
beggars can't be choosers.
shoot. during the interview, the guy i was gonna work with was kinda hot, and he made me nervous, like catholic school girl crush nervous. damn white guys why do they have to look so different from us. why do they have to have different fascinating eye colors? he said, "teach me after effects and i'll teach you motion," and i'm like fucking kiss me already.
god. i'm so repressed it's not funny. thank god for lil paul. frikin lifesaver.
sometimes i get the feeling that relationships are overrated. my thoughts are insignificant. and i'm anxious about making mistakes. anxious about whether i'll achieve my goals or not.
caffeine, i snort you one of these days.
|
|
|
[24 Sep 2009|10:42pm] |
was thinking of the solar panels idea. i'm just playing around with it. god, i'm so high on caffeine, it's not funny. jazz+caffeine=overload.
here i go: it could be a potential editorial. just brainfarting.
so these models, they're wearing the gowns made of malleable solar panels, instead of taking turns like a generic fashion show, they all come together, maybe 12 of them(?)...and they're powering a headpiece that connects them all. or they're powering a glowing float of some kind, kind of like third world re-philippinized industrialization. like glamourized people power. they still walk like models but they're feet and arms are synchronized. like pretty machines.
they do this procession(referencing catholicism + hypocrisy), (in the sun of course to power everything) and the float, the glowing float, it fits into this pre-made swimming pool (the end of the procession) and they all fit in it like jello in a jello mold.(which no one knows is actually a "plug & socket") and they end up lighting up a small city. ok, ok, a building. or they power up a projector that shows a looping footage of them in the procession. kind of religion meets sci-fi. slavery to capitalism bastardizing esoteria kind of thing. a perpetual paradoxical soul-killing machine.
blahbiddyblahblah.
d'accord, tro beacoup l'information.
|
|
|
[23 Sep 2009|11:28pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
chipper |
] |
just came from the library today and borrowed some nice cds. i got italian and russian folk songs, some smithsonian snippets, a tribe called quest, art blakey and the jazz messengers, sonic youth's nurse and chuck palahniuk's snuff. i haven't finished reading pygmy yet. but will get to it!
i am so excited to work. to work and earn my own money. to contribute to the give-lara-a-master's-degree-fund. to buy my own schoolmobile and eventually bandmobile. to contribute to send-lara-to-ny-fund.
i hope i don't come off as an over-achiever (even if, sad to say, i really am) to people. i just want to be good in whatever i do, try my best all the time, to make the most of the remaining hours left to live.
je ve allez au cuba, colombia, argentina, paris, cambodia, india. je ve allez russia et turkey. c'est damage, je ne pas d'argent!
sleepy!
bon soir, le monde. deman, je allez travaye allor je achete mon voiteur. hahaha
|
|
|
[23 Sep 2009|01:07am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blank |
] |
shoot i want to make clothes out of solar panels!
is that possible? patch them up like scales to make a dress...or make it into a bag to power gadgets. shit, self-power-generating laptop bag! get that algae power-storing thing material into a malleable material, make it power another sculpture? fuck i have no resources im such a loser. futile ideas!
fucking hell, i don't know where to start sometimes. i don't know how to end it, either. how the hell do you stop inanimate things from moving?
am i giving birth to an alter ego?
i hope my teacher gives me the job in school. we got to try out some tv studio cameras today. i got to do some playful directing, and it made me feel so good to be on the way to reaching some of my goals. i think i'm far off, but i'm not in a hurry. i have nothing to lose. i have no kids, no boyfriend, no friends. all i have are my relatives. my thoughts. nietzsche, bettie page, red tube and pimsleur french II. hahaha. well, school has just started, i hope i can make friends in suburbia. what the hell do they do here for fun? mow their lawns?
i dream of living in a house that runs on solar energy. i want to invent that d.i.y. third world material-solar-panel and disperse it in recto like what mr. c did with his comic books. electricity is a fucking right! it's a fucking basic need! they shouldn't have to steal it from life-threatening towering, electric posts.
as much as i love and hate him at the same time, having been in a relationship with him has taught me so much about this world and how i can be a better person. i hope he's doing alright.
what the hell. why do i keep maneuvering backwards?
anyway.
fuck ang galing talaga ng ooioo and boredoms. i miss band soooo fucking badly. these books and cynical shows have made me think so loudly in my head, it's not fucking funny. i tend to cuss in wholesome lj entries like this, and make innocent pure things into frikin scripts from daria or peep show.
i'm so hungry, i need food.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
etherealecstacy's journal